How good are you in bed?

Your Tinder bio is a lie and all you care about is the closest right swipe, something quick that requires minimum effort. Sure, you get the girls now but just wait till they tell their friends about you. And they will. All this translates to you being painfully average in bed, no matter how many notches you've carved above that headboard.

You get the job done, but it’s in and out, 10 minutes top. Don’t let her throaty (fake) orgasm fool you — no one involved is really enjoying themselves. Loosen up, change things around, and let those inhibitions take a back seat while you enjoy the ride.

Your favourite position? Every variation of cowgirl. The less you have to move the better, you’d probably rather finish yourself off on especially lazy days rather than getting someone to step in. Whether you’ve hit one too many blunts or eaten yourself into a coma is anybody’s guess. Sex is a form of cardio everybody deserves to enjoy, so get your shit together because women have more options, you know?

Your idea of hardcore is keeping the lights on. Conditioned by years of watching rom-coms with your long-term girlfriend, your big foreplay move is a back massage and a good cuddle. Here’s the secret: Your little woman would love a little bed-breaking, hair-grabbing rough-and-tumble every now and then. You can always slip in the back massage later.

A man whose nightly romps are so legendary, the neighbours started a petition to get you evicted. You can have sex in seven languages and probably ghost-wrote the Kama Sutra. With a list of conquests that looks like a United Colours Of Benetton campaign, you're one step away from getting your own TV show.