What Type Of Clown Are You?

How did it all come to this? You were a promising performance artist - The Observer gave your mime about apartheid 3 stars, and your VHS distributed polemics about how intimidating you find cabbies made you the Kanye West of early 90s Salford. How did making ends meet turn into this? How are you on the news, demanding clowns be taken more seriously? Darren - your kids miss you.

You're the best clown! You're the very best type of clown you can be! Everyone loves you, and so they should - you are generous, kind, and wise.

You've made a mistake here. As you sometimes do, your passions have got the better of you and you've taken things a bit far. Your mum was right, you'd have been better off going as something fun like a ghost or a big banana, but your headstrong nature means you'll always shoot for the moon - even if you don't land among the stars.

Fair play to you, you know what you want in life, and nobody can take that away from you. You come on a bit strong but you've got the confidence for it, so why not have a bit of fun! Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'!

'Balloon animals? Spinning plates? Showmanship? No, no I can't do those. All I do is squirt everyone with water for an hour, and smell of cigarettes'