11 Reasons You Are More Pumpkin Spice Than Human Right Now

You know how you like to joke that you mainline pumpkin spice lattes? Well, it's no joke. After two or three of these things a day, you've got pumpkin spice flowing in your veins.

You think a pumpkin spice smoothie is good for you? Ha! Tell that to your spleen that is CHOKED with half-pulverized bits of star anise. Your spleen has better things to do. ... Probably. Not sure what, though.

How many of these Pumpkintinis did you have? Eight? Twelve? Ask your liver, because it's still trying to process that artificially-flavored pumpkin sugar 'n' spice rim. Oh, and you swallowed a ghostie glass marker. It's lodged in your small intestine. You'll see it again in about six years. Won't you be surprised?!

Every time the temperature climbs above 70 degrees, the baristas all know to change your order to a Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. That pain isn't brain freeze, it's a pocket of pumpkin spice syrup and sprinkled whip just beneath your skull. How do you perform basic tasks anymore?

It's not enough for you to start your day with a pumpkin spice latte the size of a fireplug. Oh no. You need to order that pumpkin donut as well, don't you? This explains why there's a pound of deep-fried pumpkin mush eating a hole in your stomach lining. Take it easy, Homer.

It is not lost on you that pumpkin spice isn't just for breakfast anymore. You've glugged down so many bowls of this warm, thick pumpkin-based glop, your kidneys look like they've been dipped in it.

Just because the corner bistro has a pumpkin spiced chili con carne, doesn't mean you should order it. And just because you order it, doesn't mean you need to eat it. Oh, and if your doctor tells you that you have a goiter, tell her it's just a cayenne-and-nutmeg-spiced chunk of pumpkin lodged in your throat.

Everyone knows that Autumn Menu is just another way to say "cover everything in a pumpkin-spiced dust cloud thick enough to could choke a camel." Everyone except you. That's okay. Your appendix knows it. Expect it to be bursting soon.

You know you have a problem when you carry your own pumpkin spice with you. Your purse is coated with a thick layer of this stuff...not unlike your aorta.

Leave it to you to know which brunch places offer unlimited pumpkin-spice buttered pumpkin bread with bottomless pumpkin spice Irish coffees. The waitstaff is annoyed with how many times you asked for "just one more" and so is your gallbladder. ...That is, if the poor little guy hasn't tried to escape from the pumpkin graveyard that your body has become this fall.

There is not a fake orange, artificially-flavored, autumn-themed product crammed onto a store shelf at eye level that you won't buy and try...and buy again. Be careful. Not all the products are edible. That pumpkin spice candle you ate last week is still stuck in your duodenum.