13 Problems Only Kids From Divorced Parents Understand

"I'm not crying because my parents are divorced! I'm crying because I finished Orange is the New Black Season 3!!"
Stop expecting an emotional break down. It's not going to happen (unless you put on The Notebook).

"BEEEEEPPPPP! And they are off! Dad bought a new puppy for the house! 10 points for him! And another 3 points for cute factor! Oh wait, mom's not trailing far behind! She bought a new computer. 8 points for mom! Dad tries to advance with a shopping trip but it fails. Mom takes this precious time to leap ahead and plan a trip to NYC. Another 8 points for mom!" - That's literally how parents see it.

Let's see... I have my straight iron, foundation, laptop, charger and flats. Now I just need my curling iron, keys, phone, headphones, makeup remover, eyeliner, sunglasses... oh and my bikini, sunscreen and beach hat; just in case we happen to take a three hour drive to the beach.

"If my parents were to get divorced, I'd live with my mom. She just gets me better..."
"Or you would just live with both of them and follow the court order."
"Wait... the court orders you around?"
*Slaps forehead*

"Hey what parents house are you at tonight?"
"Dad's... remember the schedule? Tuesday night through Thursday is dad’s time, but he only has me one weekend a month. Mom gets me those nights once a month though. She also has Monday nights. Then, I’m with mom every other Friday and with dad the other one."

"So which birthday party is tonight?"
"Okay so my mom's family party is tonight, but then we have the big one Saturday at 3. But it'll have to be short because, I have to run over to dad's at 7 for my sisters graduation party. Then, my birthday party at my dad's is Sunday and that's everyone."
"Soooo... which one am I going too?"

"So Amy and I are fighting because... you know what, never mind dad. It's a long story and I already told mom."

Yup mom's on her third date this month and I'm still shipping Jelena.

So there is my way older sister, Sara. There is my way older step-sister from my moms, Jane, who is only a year younger than Sara but she is the one with two kids. There is also Matt and Stevie from my mom's who are both my younger step-brothers. Then, there's my younger half-siblings from my dad's Jake and Danny. They are twins. There is also Kim who is my older step-sister from my dad's wife's previous marriage. Then, there is my older step-brother Jimmy who is in college. There is also my half-sister who is on the way. You know what, never mind, you seem bored.

Yeah... my heads about to explode

Two families, two houses, two bar mitzvahs for crying out loud!

"Couldn't your parents have just worked it out? My parents fight all the time and they aren't divorced."
"Dude, my dad's gay. You expect him to stay with a woman his whole life?"

Yes of course, because I have nothing better to do with my day than hear you rant about dad for the hundredth time.