Which Iconic Full House Moment Are You??

Stephanie walks into DJ’s room and tells her about how her vag is all moist for this guy named Ryan at her school. Guys named Ryan are known for their virility and dashing good looks, after all. Stephanie says that she’s too lame and pathetic to talk to him but DJ urges her to invite him to the dance that’s coming up.Gia and Stephanie spot Ryan in the hallways and Stephanie’s all, “I want that schlong so bad.” Stephanie gathers up her courage and asks him out and he’s like, “I don’t even know who you are but, yeah, sure, why not?” and then Stephanie b-lines it outta there before he’s able to learn more about her personality. Good move!Stephanie comes downstairs and waits for her date to show up and then there’s a time lapse of her building with blocks to show how long she’s waiting, which is probably the most clever bit of visual storytelling that’s ever occurred on the series. That’s not to say that it’s very clever but rather that the bar has been set pretty goddamn low.Eventually Danny comes in and checks on her and she says that she’s been stood up and then sad music plays as they hug. Ha ha, what a stupid loser! I’m glad that, even at the end of the series, this show can deliver pretty good laughs on occasion.Danny approaches Ryan and tells him that he’s Stephanie’s dad. Ryan explains that he and his friends decided to go to the movies instead of the dance, which is a lot nicer than admitting that he backed out because Stephanie’s face looks like the inside of a dog’s asshole (which is clearly the real explanation), but that doesn’t stop Danny from telling Ryan that Stephanie sat on the couch all night, waiting for him and crying. Oh my goodness, this shit is unbelievable! As if getting stood up isn’t humiliating enough, having your dad come to your school and give the guy who stood you up a stern talking to while he describes how sad and pathetic you were is some shit that you would never recover from. You’d have to change school districts after some shit like that.

Kimmie Gibbler rushes into DJ’s room and breaks the news that Michael Monford likes DJ and then arranges a rendezvous so the two of them can declare their love. See how these two storylines are paralleling each other? This episode is about hoeing out your friends.

The next day DJ meets up with Michael Monford, who’s played by that stupid looking kid from The Never Ending Story 2. Michaels asks her to eat lunch with him the next day and DJ agrees but says that people will probably think they’re going out. Michael, being smooth as hell, says that’s fine by him and then seals the deal by giving her a friendship bracelet, the ultimate symbol of sexual desire.After they’re done doing their homework, Michael packs his stuff up to head home. When DJ asks if they’ll be having lunch tomorrow he says that he can’t because he’ll be having lunch with Kathy Santoni instead. Whaaaat!??! Michael says that DJ’s smart and funny and everything, but Kathy Santoni is really pretty.Daaaamn, that’s some raw shit right there. Not only did he come over to DJ’s house and diss the fuck out of her, but he made her help him with his homework first. Heartless. Consumed with despair, DJ tearfully removes her friendship bracelet.

Danny gets Tommy Page to come out and serenade Stephanie. I honestly had no idea who the fuck this guy was and assumed they got some cheap actor to pretend to be some made up singer, but according to the internet he’s a real guy. Anyway, he sings to Stephanie for several minutes while she sighs and the rest of the girls sway back and forth, killing several minutes of action that I’d otherwise feel obliged to describe.After Tommy Page’s epic crooning sequence, he’s briefly sexually harassed by Kimmie Gibbler before walking over to Jesse to commend him on his solid keyboard back-ups. After accidentally emphasizing what a gigantic loser Jesse is by comparing their careers, Tommy Page totally hits on DJ by asking her to give him a tour of San Francisco. How old is this Tommy Page supposed to be? He’s clearly a grown-ass man, and DJ’s like 13 at this point. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

DJ and Tommy Page’s inappropriate chemistry is cut short by Stephanie, who asks Tommy Page to sign her CD. He signs it, “Love, Tommy” before kissing her right on the mouth. Seriously, what’s wrong with this guy?Later, while Stephanie makes wedding invitations for herself and Tommy Page, she overhears him coming in through the back door with DJ. He thanks DJ for showing him around the city and then he straight up kisses her on the mouth. Why isn’t this guy in jail? You can’t just hang out with little girls and kiss them on the mouth.I keep wondering if he’s supposed to be passing as a teen hearthrob or something but I’m pretty certain that Tommy Page is an adult. Anyway, Tommy page tells DJ that he’s gotta go down to Jesse’s recording studio to record the song that he sang at Stephanie’s birthday party because I guess he’s got nothing better to do. After he leaves, DJ is all like, “fuck yeah,” and then Stephanie runs upstairs and makes an ugly face while crying and it’s actually pretty hilarious.

HOLY. FUCK. How am I ever going to describe this video? First of all, it seems to be filmed at that same little house or church or whatever in the desert that like ten million early 90’s music videos were filmed in. You know, the one with all the candles inside? The video also uses many tropes that you may be familiar with, like tilted camera angles, abrupt zoom-ins, and some really sexy fade-aways.So the video opens with Uncle Jesse waking up naked in a bed outside, then he jams on his guitar inside for a little while, then there’s this deeply troubling shot of his babies looking pretty upset.Why would they use a shot where the babies looked so upset? It’s in slow motion, too! But I guess that even if they weren’t wearing such perturbed expressions, this abrupt shot of them floating in the sky after a bunch of sexy naked Uncle Jesse shots would be pretty confusing. Is it like, “this is what happens after you get naked in a bed with Uncle Jesse,”?There’s really not a lot of variety in this video. There are a bunch of grainy black-and-white shots of Jesse being all casual on the set and then there’s an awful lot of footage of him holding those babies, often while naked and/or shooting sexy glances. I can’t think of a single other music video that fetishes being a new dad like this one does. There isn’t even one woman in the whole video. There is, however, an alluring shot of Jesse and the babies’ feet.There are also some shots of the Beach Boys recording vocals in the studio with Jesse, some nice views of the choir, and a really great close up on one of the babies’ naked ass.After the video’s over, Jesse says, “that was the greatest 2 and a half minutes I’ve ever experienced in my life,” and then Becky gets all pissed, which is a pretty revealing moment about their sex life if you ask me. I can’t say I’m surprised, though. Anyway, Jesse gives everyone in the full house a copy of his new cd and then, that’s it.

Steve gives Michelle a Valentine’s Day cookie and then she gets a huge boner for him. DJ and Kimmie Gibbler encourage this for some reason, I guess because they think it’s cute.Michelle asks Steve to marry him and he and DJ decide to go along with it because she’s just a dumb little kid who doesn’t know anything so it’s funny to toy with her emotions.Michelle tells her friend whose name I can’t remember that she’s going to marry Steve and assures her that it is not pretend, it is a for reals wedding. Seriously, what the fuck is this kids name? They never say it once.DJ and Steve come home and then Michelle’s friend whose name I can’t remember comes in and tells them all that it’s time for the wedding. Everyone decides that it’s a really cute idea so they all play along. Michelle comes down in a white dress with a table cloth draped behind her while the audience goes, “aww,” and then there’s a brief ceremony.After it’s over, Steve’s like, “I gotta get home because my mom’s making meatloaf” but then Michelle tells him that he can’t leave because they’re married now. Danny tried to explain that the wedding was just pretend but Michelle’s like, “hell naw, muthafucka. Steve’s my husband now, no joke.” At this point I kind of expected everyone to agree that since Michelle wants them to be married that they really had to be because that’s pretty much how everything has gone down throughout the whole series but for once they actually tell Michelle that her idea is bullshit. Well, first they try to coax her out of the idea with reasoning, like that she’d have to move away from her family if she got married, but she just points out that Jesse stayed in the full house when he got married. Finally, some concrete evidence about how damaging that was for the children! Things get pretty Twilight Zoney as the family tries to convince Michelle that the wedding was just for shits and giggles and she willfully denies what they’re saying but then the music comes on so she’s able to understand that the wedding was just pretend. She gets really upset and throws her flowers down and runs upstairs, which was pretty funny.Danny goes up to Michelle’s room and explains to her that she’s just a dumb ugly 6 year old who doesn’t even understand what love is. The music comes on as Danny admits that sometimes it’s hard to remember that little kids have real feeling because everything they do is so stupid and trivial, then he reminds her that Steve is DJ’s man so she better back the fuck off. Next he explains that one day when she’s a grown-up she’ll meet some rad guy and she’ll get married for reals, and I was kind of hoping that he’d say that her husband might die tragically and suddenly and she’ll be forced to raise her kids with a couple of worthless pieces of shit, but I guess that’s a given.

DJ meticulously prepares her appearance for her first day of Junior High, although it looks more like she’s going to an Indigo Girls concert if you ask me. Stephanie feels upset that she and DJ will no longer be going to the same school but DJ’s like, whatever, I’m all mature now so why don’t you just back up out my face?Danny gives the girls their school lunches but Kimmie Gibbler explains to him that it’s fucking lame to bring your lunch in Junior High so he’d better just give DJ some money. Danny’s like, here’s some money, DJ, and why don’t you just go ahead and eat the peanuts out of my shit, Kimmie Gibbler? As DJ picks up her class schedule, she quickly discovers that Junior High is populated with catty, whorishly dressed girls in their 20’s. She and Kimmie Gibbler feel even more out of place when Kathy Santoni shows up and they don’t even recognize her because she grew big ass titties over the Summer. Although we’ve never seen her before, you may remember Kathy Santoni as the girl that the kid from the Never Ending Story 2 heartlessly dumped DJ for in Season 2, Episode 11.At lunch, DJ gets dissed some more by those girls in their 20’s and then she becomes the laughing stock of the whole cafeteria when it turns out that she’s wearing the same exact outfit as some crusty old teacher. How humiliating!I’m glad they made a point of how fucked up her outfit was because you just can’t ever tell with this show. DJ becomes so embarrassed that she spends the rest of her lunch period sitting in the phone booth pretending to talk to someone.

As Gia and Stephanie enjoy a pleasant afternoon at the mall food court, Gia orders Stephanie to “check out those guys” and then, after the camera pans over to them, I could only conclude that she said it because she couldn’t believe what a couple of enormous dipshits they were.For some unknowable reason it turns out that Gia finds these oafish young men attractive and so she beckons them over to herself and her homely friend. Ok, so I’ve seen a lot of crazy nonsense over the course of the past 7 Seasons. I’ve watched Jesse jump out of a plane that Joey was flying and land in a truck full of tomatoes. I’ve seen the family get lost on a remote Hawaiian island, only to be rescued by stumbling onto a giant live concert. I’ve witnessed Stephanie and Michelle accidentally board a plane to New Zealand. And yet, somehow, I was totally unprepared for how completely fucking insane this sequence of Stephanie and Gia being driven home by those high school boys would be.The most striking thing about it is that it looks pretty expensive. It’s shot outside and involves some pretty intense stunt driving. So, let’s just ignore that these teenage boys somehow have a convertible sports car and instead focus on the fact that they drive like they’re either on a lot of drugs and/or are experienced stunt drivers. First they start speeding and making a lot of sharp turns, which is sort of plausible as a thing that irresponsible teenage drivers would do for kicks. But then they decide that it would be hilarious to drive on the wrong side of the road and almost run directly into a truck.After narrowly avoiding a head-on collision, do they realize the error of their ways? No, no they do not. They just exclaim, “awesome!” and high five each other. Stephanie starts to exhibit some incredibly understandable anxiety about the life threatening driving that’s occurring but Gia just tells her to chill out. And you know what? Stephanie decides that she should just listen to Gia and relax, and soon she’s hooting and hollering along with everyone else as they skid across lanes and shit. I cannot think of a more cartoonish and ridiculous outcome for the accepting-rides-home-from-strange-boys scenario. It transcends any sort of logical cautionary tale and becomes something utterly ludicrous instead.

Stephanie comes home and tells DJ about all the stupid irresponsible nonsense that she just participated in as though it’s a real cool story and DJ’s like, “bitch, have you lost your mind?” Stephanie tells her to fuck off and quit raining on her parade and DJ’s like, “fine, whatever.”Gia comes in and tells Stephanie that their new crazy driver boyfriends are outside and want to take them out for more potentially fatal hijinks. Stephanie goes into the living room to ask Danny for permission to go out and he’s like, “do whatever the fuck you want. I’m totally obsessed with this video game right now.” It seems like there’s some sort of hidden moral in this episode about how playing video games makes you a negligent parent or something but I’m probably just putting more thought into it than any of the writers did.

DJ intervenes, telling Stephanie that there’s no way that she’s going to let her get into that stunt car again and that she’ll narc on her to Danny if she tries to go. They have a stand-off where Stephanie makes her way towards the door and DJ moves closer to the living room where Danny is and in the end DJ’s willingness to be a snitch overpowers Stephanie’s urge for teenage rebellion. Stephanie tells Gia that she can’t go and then stomps off up to her room, hella mad.DJ goes into Stephanie’s room to have a very special talk and Stephanie’s like, “kiss my ass, you meddling poindexter.” They start bickering until Danny comes into the room and tells Stephanie that Gia’s mom (who he’s totally been stickin’ it to) called to tell him that Gia was in a car accident. He asks if she was supposed to be in the car, too, and DJ tells him that Stephanie decided not to go because the boys were irresponsible drivers. Danny tells Stephanie that he’s proud of her for having such good judgement and then hugs her before abruptly leaving the scene.

Stephanie apologizes to DJ because she’s been such a stupid asshole and then DJ tell her about how she and Kimmie Gibbler stayed out all night on Halloween when they were 13 because they were once stupid assholes, too. The music comes on as DJ tells Stephanie that she’ll eventually acquire a better meter for when something’s a bad idea and then they hug. Stephanie then tells DJ that she feels like a piece of shit for lying to Danny about why she didn’t get into the car with those boys and decides that she’d better tell him, which is kind of great because it’s totally going to get DJ in trouble because she’s the one who lied to him. Take that, DJ!

This episode opens with Stephanie struggling to open her locker, which marks the first time we’ve seen anything outside of the bathroom of her school. Stephanie’s classmates Mickey and Gia make return appearances as Gia hates on Stephanie and then fails to convince Mickey to ditch class with her. Gia then proceeds to pop a boner over some whitebread rendition of a grunge kid named Jamie who ignores her to help Stephanie with her locker. While Gia glares in the background, he invites Stephanie to see his band, Human Pudding, perform at the Smash Club (on the one hand, it seems like quite a coincidence that they’re playing at the Smash club, but on the other hand, where else could it possibly have happened?) on Friday. Stephanie accepts his offer because it’s the only time in her whole life that a boy has ever paid any attention to her on account of her face and fashion sense and general demeanor.Gia shows up at the full house Gia gets all up in Stephanie’s face like, “bitch, you stole my man! You betta back the fuck up!” but Stephanie asserts that, no, she will not back the fuck up, which is actually sort of impressive. Gia’s like, “aight, biatch, that’s yo’ ass” and then leaves the room while shooting mad eye daggers.The next day at school, Gia is seen gossiping in the hallway and then everyone bursts out laughing when Stephanie rolls up. Stephanie immediately starts laughing along with them like she knows what the joke is, which is painfully awkward.Mickey grabs Stephanie and informs her that Gia has been telling everyone that she paid Jamie $20 to ask her out, which is, like, the tamest middle school rumor that I’ve ever heard of. For reals, if Gia was anything like a real life middle school girl she would have invented the most savage lie about Stephanie you could imagine, like that she has crabs, or that she gave Jamie a really crappy blow job in the parking lot, or the old timeless classic, that she saw her masturbating with a hot dog.Regardless of the rumors’ lack of creativity, some stupid looking kid with a backwards hat mocks Stephanie right to her face before high-fiving his homies, and then Jamie comes up to Stephanie and breaks their date. I find it hard to believe that if Jamie was unselfconscious enough to ask Stephanie out in the first place that he could be shamed by some lame rumor, but whatever.Mickey comes over with a secret file and Stephanie excuses herself so the two of them can do something seedy up in her room.Mickey and Stephanie make a giant print-out of Gia’s abysmal report card and stick it up in the hallway at school. All the kids point at it and laugh, including the stupid looking kid with the backwards hat, and then, further emphasizing the turning of the tides, Jamie asks Stephanie if they can renew their date. Gia enters the hallway and sees the sick burn, which is quite cathartic for Stephanie until Gia starts crying. Whatever, man. Gia totally started that shit. Kids like that, who instigate conflict and then can’t handle it when it goes the other way, are the worst. You can tell that shit really rubs me the wrong way because I’m defending Stephanie.