The five most incredible Vladimir Romanov moments

"Your leader Mowgli is not taking bananas any more, now he is taking money for lies and untruthful interpretation. However he is greedy and makes you collect rotten information from cesspits and poisons readers with it. This is unworthy even of a monkey. Today I will express my opinion in English about refereeing in order that your Mowgli will not make you tell lies."

Though he clearly needs to re-watch the Jungle Book, Romanov's shots at the press may have been misunderstood at the time. Perhaps this is giving him too much credit, but it's entirely plausible the eccentric Hearts leader was in on the joke. Though he seemed deadly serious in these bizarre statements, there was the accompanying picture of a monkey dressed up in a 'The Sun' t-shirt, as well as bananas being laid out for the media at Tynecastle.

Perhaps this was an attempt by a Hearts employee to make light of the situation, in the hope that it would aid the club's case when SFA fines were inevitably handed down.

It doesn't matter how much an owner and manager hate each other, if the team continues to win every week, they will stay together and keep a tenuous hold of their frosty relationship for the greater good. But not our Vlad.

With Hearts flying at the top of the SPL, undefeated and having just taken a point from their previous match at eventual champions Celtic, Romanov decided it was the right time to pull the trigger, sacking George Burley. When the book Believe - an insight into the Hearts 2005/06 season - came out, it explained Romanov felt Burley had sabotaged his own chances of winning at Celtic Park by refusing to pick either Saulius Mikoliunas or Deividas Česnauskis. Unfounded rumours of alcoholism also swirled around, which to Romanov was enough evidence to insist his manager attend a drying out facility in Lithuania, something the proud Scot was never going to do.

The owner then ratcheted up the widespread bafflement further by hiring Graham Rix as Burley's successor. Hearts began losing and were out of the title race by late January.

"I can't hit you," said Roman Bednar as he jokingly sparred with his boss while Hearts were away on a pre-season training camp. If only Romanov felt the same. Wishing to remind everyone who the big man was at Hearts, the diminutive Russian landed a couple of blows on Bednar's chops.

You can see Bednar weighing up his options after taking the second blow. Stung by the punch, he clearly wants to use his superior size and strength and put his boss down for a 10 count (a fantasy shared by every man, everywhere) but shows the required restraint to keep his job. To break up the awkwardness, Laryea Kingston quickly jumps in and raises Romanov's hand, declaring him the winner.

Vladimir Romanov's statements were always a little eccentric, but he never misread the public conscious quite like the occasion he decided Craig Thomson - who'd admitted 'lewd, libidinous and indecent behaviour' towards two girls aged 12 and 14 - was a victim of the Scottish football "mafia". Even the staunchest of Romanov supporters had a hard time defending that.

Someone at the club, presumably in a very delicate manner so as not to lose their job, convinced the owner that Thomson deserved to be sacked. Unfortunately for Hearts, once you defend an employee in public, you can't then turn around and sack him for the same offence. Thomson was suspended but was able to see out the remainder of his contract playing for a pair of clubs in Lithuania.

It should also be noted that for his statement, Romanov became the first Scottish football personality reported to the Compliance Officer - before the SFA had time to even hire one.

This one only came to light within the last year. It highlights how acclimatised we became to Romanov's antics that it wasn't really big news to learn he once tried to have himself substituted into an actual football match with Barce-*******-lona. Anatoly Korobochka, head coach at the time - or fax machine supervisor, if you're feeling cynical - stated that he was pushed into the background by Romanov at Hearts after he kindly explained to the owner that it maybe wasn't a good idea for a 60-year-old who'd never played professionally to complete with the likes of Ronaldinho and Thierry Henry in front of 30,000 spectators.