Which NFL Team Should You Root For?

You're rooting for the New England Patriots! You bandwagon jumper. Your team will be very good, you will develop a frankly unhealthy crush on Tom Brady, and everyone outside of New England will be within their rights to roll their eyes at you. But if you're spotted wearing your Gronk jersey in Boston? FACK YEAH PATS ALRIGHT LETS GET SOME SHATS!

Oh man, that sucks. Sorry, honestly. The Bears are a team steeped in tradition, but unfortunately 90% of that tradition is remembering that time 30 years ago we were really good. Get ready to spend literally 30% of your time defending Jay Cutler ("Say what you will, there are three passes a game that Cutler makes no one else can"), teaching yourself who the hell are our WRs and RBs now ("There's Jeffery and...?") and learning to hate Packers fans ("Shut up shut up I know you beat us, you have Aaron Rodgers, that's cheating").

The good news: Your team is very good! Historically good, in fact! You get the benefit of rooting for a top franchise based in a small town that's so much a part of its community that it lets its fans be stockholders! It's a publicly traded team! The fans own it! Neat! And you have Aaron Rodgers as your quarterback! Should be a fun season!

The bad news: You're basically rooting for the St. Louis Cardinals of the NFL. Get ready to talk about players who play the game "the right way" in a way that highlights juuuust a bit too much that you believe your best receivers always tend to be white.

You got the Seahawks, which means you might also be a San Antonio Spurs fan? Listen, the Seahawks are dominant, but they do it with a quarterback with about as much personality as a rice cake with some salt sprinkled on it because sometimes YOU GOTTA LIVE ON THE EDGE, and their most dynamic and entertaining players are either on defense (<3 u Richard Sherman) or just retired (<3 miss u Marshawn).

You'll probably enjoy the season, but you're going to get really into pointing out things like, "Now THAT is one helluva defensive coverage pattern." Which is fine. Enjoy your trip to the NFC Championship Game.

Congratulations, you are rooting for the 4-time Super Bowl champion New York Giants! Here is your season.

Week 1: ALRIGHT! GO GIANTS! Eli, you're gonna crush it this year, I know it!

Week 4: I hate this team, what is wrong with you, ELI JUST THROW IT TO ODELL AND MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT. We suck.

Week 6: FOOTBALL IS STUPID I HATE THIS. ELI SHOULD BE CUT.

Week 9: Alright Eli! That's what I'm talking about! Getting it done!

Week 14: We're gonna do this! Just get us in the playoffs, and we're going to pull this off! GO GIANTS!

Week 16: ONE WIN AWAY! ELI IS ON FIRE! GO G-MEN!

Week 17: Football is stupid. I hate this.

Welcome to America's Team.

By the way, the fact that you guys call yourself America's Team is the exact reason why you were hated in the 1990's like the Patriots are hated in the 2010's. And now you get a season of karmic retribution, hoping that your oft-injured quarterback can manage to make it a full season without his arm breaking or back exploding on him again.

You're either going 12-4 or 4-12, so buckle up.