People Share The Funniest Things Total Strangers Said To Them

Okay, the laughter was not entirely inside, but years ago on the subway in NY, a crazy dude walks on the train and screams at everyone “You’re all going to hell!” and then steps off as the doors close. Total silence as the weirdness of the moment settles in. Then, without missing a beat, guy across from me goes, “Shit, I thought this train was going to Harlem.”
jimcol

I was helping a customer pick out a new bra and she said she wanted her breasts to be lifted. She said, “my boobs are so saggy that if my nipples were eyeballs, I’d be able to see if my shoes were untied”
I really tried my best to remain professional but I couldn’t stop laughing.
BurkaBurrito

I was at DFW airport a few months ago. Bathroom is full of people, so there's like 15 dudes in this giant bathroom waiting for a urinal. Guy at one of the urinals in a super nice suit rips a pretty gnarly one, but it sounded like he might have needed a change of underwear. You could cut the tension with a knife. Dude looks over his shoulder slightly and says "Relax, I'm a professional."
SmokeandIrons626

I was pretty fat as a kid. The first time I visited family in Bosnia, a great-uncle I'd never met before greeted me with "Who's this fatty? You can barely see the family resemblance behind those chubby cheeks!"
EdenBlade47

The college I attend frequently has local elementary and middle school kids on tours, especially on Fridays.
One particular Friday I was in line for the cafeteria when a group of kids came walking by with a tourguide. One kinda chubby little dude looked a bit uncomfortable. He was biting his lip a little, and sweating. This part of the tour is usually when they have a bathroom break, and clearly buddy needed to go. At this point I should note that the bathrooms are visible from where we're standing.
But the tour guide, a fellow student of mine, didn't seem to notice. She just kept going on and on, talking about the history of the building. I watched this kid go from nervous, to deeply anxious, to visibly clenching over a span of about 3 minutes. He's staring at the stick figure dude on the men's bathroom sign as if it was the risen Christ.
Ms. Tour Guide takes a break in her spiel. I figure she's done, the next words out of her mouth will be ones to free this boy from the purgatory that is having to use the bathroom on a school trip. It'll be over. He'll be free.
What followed, instead, was this.
"So in 1995, a professor named A.B.C. Kalamazoo-"
"Move lady, I'm gonna shit my ass!"
He ran past her to the bathroom, and presumably destroyed it. Poor guy. Had the entire line in tears with laughter though.
arivin12

Worked at a smoke shop that sold electronic cigarettes years ago. A customer came in complaining that the new flavor made her pee smell funny. I couldn't keep a straight face when I said I wasn't sure if that was related. Then she says, "Oh, well it could be an STD or something I guess...Thanks!" and walked out.
oppapi666

I was at a 50th wedding anniversary party and there were LOTS of elderly people in attendance. An old man was standing next me and said "it looks like a fucking grave yard in here". I literally spit my beer out (we were out doors). The kicker was the guy was close to the same age as everyone else.
Aleforge

I was working at best buy and had a customer that was 92.
He asked the difference between two towers that were about $100 difference in price. I told him that for what he was going to use it for (he said email and Facebook) that they would both work fine, and that if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.
He said "last longer? Man I'm 92. I don't even buy green bananas"
Funniest thing I've ever heard.
SopwithStrutter

I'm in the bathroom at work washing my hands and one of the professors that I don't think I've ever actually spoken to comes in and starts washing her lanyard in the sink. I try to make small talk with work people even though I suck at it so I try to strike up a conversation that goes down as follows:
"Morning."
"Ugghhh...I spilled coffee on my lanyard and now it's all sticky."
"Blah...that's the worst."
At this point she turns off the faucet and looks at me completely deadpan with eyes that said she wanted to feed me my own innards and said, "I think genocide is worse."
AbortRetryImplode

I was doing tech support over the phone for an internet company at a call center. I got a call from an elderly woman, because her internet stopped working. After checking remotely that the modem was working and that there was no issues on her area, I was scheduling a visit from one of our technician when she suddenly says:
-Oh, I know what happened. The cat was playing around the router yesterday?
-Right, you think it took a cable or something?
-No, he probably took away the Wi-Fi.
-You mean like he moved the router?
-No, no, he probably took the airwaves of the Wi-Fi. You know how cats see things we can't, he surely say the Wi-Fi signal, grabbed it and took it away.
It took all my willpower to not laugh in her face and finish the call.
ElTuxedoMex

Years ago when queuing up for movie tickets with my family, the attendant asked the ages of our four kids to see if they could all get children-priced tickets. I announced their ages, 7, 9, 11 & 13. Without missing a beat, the stranger behind us declared, "That's an odd group!"
2Fundy

In high school we were walking down the hall to the buses and I heard two girls in a conversation that cracked me up and confused me.
Girl 1: Yeah I'm going to random guy's house tonight. (Something to the effect of looking forward to it.)
Girl 2: Ah well make sure you bring protection. (Already kinda weird as they're just talking in the hall.)
Girl 1: What? No I'm not gonna be doing anything like that.
Girl 2: No I meant like a knife or something.
Dillbob2112

A few months ago I was waiting at a road crossing with loads of other strangers, waiting for the man to turn green. This was a busy main road in my city.
A little girl on the other side of the road did THE MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION of the 'beep beep' that the crossing makes so blind people know it's safe to cross, and the entire crowd of people just stepped into the road. I had seen her do it, so I stayed put, but I couldn't stop laughing. My girlfriend was confused.
50 adults pranked by one absolute genius six year old. It was magical.
kingbluetit

At a festival and sitting around the campfire when a very intoxicated man kept saying “I need to borrow your fireplace!” He wouldn’t let it go, despite being right by the fire. Turns out he needed a lighter for his cigarette and was so drunk that he forgot what it was called.
LisaPaBisa

Last week i got into a police control.
Officer: Good evening, where are you coming from?
Me: From a friends place
Officer: Did you drink any alcohol?
Me: No, sir.
Officer: Did you consume any marijuana?
Me: No.
Officer: what a boring evening... Have a good ride.
pluslinus

When I used to work at a daycare, this random 3 year old was talking about heaven. He was saying how he wanted to go there. I asked him how he was going to get there (by flying or something like that). He looks at me and with the happiest voice ever he said "Well you could die!"
MystikCynic