Which Ron Swanson Are You?

"No, that’s Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don’t you? It’s important to me that you know that." (To Andy in London)

"Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park."

"It's kind of a small horse, I mean, what am I missing?" (About Lil' Sebastian)

"I’m sorry. I have to ask this, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?" (To Andy and April about Champion)

"Just call me Bond, Municipal Bond."

"The calzones... betrayed me???"

"One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what to do! I just moved."

"Ron does this weird thing where he says exactly what he means. Just ignore him."

"Finally watched Harry Potter...a tad unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?"

"Love fades away, but things? Things last forever."

"Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers. Those are some Diddies. Those are some Bone Thugs-N-Harmoniums, right here. Those Ludacrises are coming in great."

"Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet."

"They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension, and my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake, and I am gonna get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am gonna sit back and enjoy my life."

"I didn’t know I was adopted."

"I really wish I could have your body." (To Tom)

"For my murinal..."

"You know, actually, before I had my kids, I looked a lot like you, Chris."

"I think that comic sans always screams fun, right?"

"TREAT YO SELF!"

"Wine is crying juice."

"What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?" (To Ben)

"I named my car Michael Fassbender, because they’re both German and they’re both sexy as hell."

"I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch."

"Do I look like I drink water?"

"I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That’s 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon."

"I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane."

"I am 100 percent sure I am 0 percent sure of what to do."

"Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being."

"I think a lot of things. I like thinking. I also like racquetball."

"Sir, I formally retract my hug."

"I can convince small children that I'm a witch."

"I don't care about the prize, but I'm gonna win because I want his happiness to go away."

"Can you photoshop your life with better decisions?"

"I love games that turn people against each other."

"My instinct is to be mean to you." (To Ann)

"I'm going to murder you a thousand times."

"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems."

"Just remember, every time you look up at the moon, I, too, will be looking at the moon. Not the same moon, obviously. That’s impossible."

"You’re like an angel with no wings."

"Butter is my favorite food."

"I seriously cannot emphasize how little we thought about this."

"I didn’t actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it."

"Oh, my God! You have to stop using the word nipple!"

"So, you guys like Coldplay?" (To Diane's little daughters)

"Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you."

"When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie.
And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time.
Even when we saw Ratatouille."

"Everything that can be penis shaped will be penis shaped!"

"Jogging is the worst, Chris. I know it keeps you healthy, but God! At what cost?"

"Why would anybody ever eat anything besides breakfast food?"

"I’m a feminist, okay? I would never ever go to a strip club. I’ve gone on record that if I had to have a stripper’s name, it would be Equality."

"Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, ‘Don’t eat anything. Rebecca’s coming.’ And then he broke up with me."

"Oh, my God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably."

"There are no consequences to my actions anymore! I’m like a white male U.S. senator."

"Ben, your heart's in the right place. Your heart and your butt."

"When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them."

"Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

"On my death bed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time."

"Crying: accepted at funerals and the Grand Canyon."

"Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless."

"There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skimmed milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk."