90-Year-Old Dick Van Dyke Confesses the Secret to Being With a (Much) Younger Woman

Quite a bit, actually. You go into any store today and they’re playing music, usually something with a heavy beat. I’ve got what Steve Martin calls happy feet. I hear music and my feet just start moving.

[Laughs] That’s exactly it. I think most people just assume I’m a crazy old man. If they recognize me, they’ll smile and go, “That’s just Dick.”

But if they catch a glimpse of me from behind, I’m pretty sure they’re thinking, “Oh, that poor man. He has no idea where he is.”

Oh sure, yeah. Disneyland just did a big 60th anniversary tribute, and they invited me to come and do the chimney sweep dance with a bunch of kids. I’m not jumping off buildings, but the basics of it I can handle.

When I was younger, I met Fred Astaire. He was in his mid-80s and I asked him, “Do you still dance?” He said, “Yes, but it hurts now.” [Laughs.] I finally know what he meant.

Sometimes. I’ve got plenty of arthritis. But if you just keep moving, it won’t bother you that much. Old guys forget to get out of their chairs—that’s why they stiffen up. You let the moss grow over, it’s your fault.

There’s that great old saying, “Sing like nobody can hear you, dance like nobody can see you, and love like you’ve never been hurt.”

Well, phooey to them. You just have to ignore the. . .what do you call them? The haters.

Exactly! Haters are going to hate. I always loved to dance, but I never had a clue what I was doing. I’ve never been what you’d call a great singer, but I loved to sing. Anyone who doesn’t sing and dance at every opportunity is missing out on the joy of life.

[Laughs.] That’s right! That shows you how lazy I am. Once you get a job singing and dancing, a reasonable person might think, “Maybe I should learn how to do this.”

No, no, no! [Laughs.] Young people ask me for advice, and I tell them to do what I didn’t do. Get some training. I took jobs that required talents I didn’t have.

I taught myself everything. I grew up watching Buster Keaton, Laurel & Hardy, all the slapstick guys. My friends and I loved them, so we practiced pratfalls in our backyards. By the time I was a teenager, I could fall like a pro.

Never. Even today I can negotiate a fall. Last summer I was in a hotel lobby, and they had this long marble staircase that led down to a marble floor. I tripped on one of the steps and tumbled down the stairs. Everybody ran over to see if the old guy was okay.

I was fine. I just laughed and said, “Relax, everybody. I do this for a living.” Evidently my bones are still pretty sturdy.

Nope.

Worse than terrible. And everybody reminds me about it.

No, no, it’s not just you. I ran into Helen Mirren a couple of weeks ago and she teased me about it.

The strange thing is, when I did the movie I was surrounded by a cast of British actors. And not a single one of them ever said, “Hey, why don’t you work on that accent a little? You don’t sound even remotely British.”

That’s right! I can’t remember how old I was, but I remember getting a laugh.

Yes, sir. Got a huge laugh. That’s what got me addicted to performing. I’m not sure what I did, but I know people laughed, and I thought that was pretty cool. Right then and there, I was like, “I need to keep doing this.”

I would love to be Moses.

[Laughs.] That’d be great. He probably danced a little, right? You don’t part the Red Sea without having some moves.

Just a little. Why, what’ve you heard? [Laughs.]

She claims she has to keep up with me, but it’s really the other way around. You want the secret to being with a younger woman?

I’ll tell you the secret. I’m emotionally immature, and my wife is an old soul. So we meet in the middle.

We have separate bedrooms.

I think that’s the answer to a good marriage. Everyone has their own room.

Nothing like that. I just think everyone needs their own private space. And then you make a date. It’s a special thing.

Back in those days, you weren’t allowed to sleep in the same bed on TV. We couldn’t say the word “pregnant” in an episode about being pregnant.

One of the first who got to sleep in a double bed on TV was Bob Newhart. I called him and said, “You son of a gun!” [Laughs.] If you watch TV now, I think things have gone a little far in the other direction.

I’m so tired of seeing rear ends. Just put some pants on, for the love of god.

Nope. I’ve had offers to do all those shows, but I can’t. I’m the anti-Quentin Tarantino.

Oh gosh, no. That sounds horrible. I couldn’t do any of that. I could probably play an alcoholic. I’ve had some experience with that.

I wasn’t a falling-in-the-gutter type. I drank at home because it relaxed me. I was shy around new people, but after a drink or two, I became more sociable.

That was the one.

Who?

Oh yeah, that guy. He looks terrible. How old is he again?

Just 72? He looks much older than that.

He hasn’t taken the best care of himself.

That’s right. And thank goodness I stopped. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’ve talked to heroin addicts, and they’ve told me that quitting heroin is easier than quitting smoking.

I have a little COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), but I really don’t notice it.

[Laughs.] I really should be.

Oh, yeah. But that wasn’t as bad as the news made it sound.

Yes, but I was planning on getting out eventually.

Well, there was one time not too long ago, I was surfing down in Georgia. I fell asleep on the board and it drifted out to sea.

I woke up and saw these fins all around me, and I just assumed they were sharks.

That’s what I was thinking. “Well, this is it. It’s all over.” But it was just a school of porpoises. They surrounded me and then started pushing me toward the shore. They nudged me all the way in.

I’m not kidding.

Porpoises saved my life.

[Laughs.] Well I don’t know about that.

I really haven’t.

You know what it is? I’ll tell you.

I originally wanted to call my book “How to Enjoy Yourself While Circling the Drain.” And you know why? Because that’s what life is all about.

We all know we’re going to die. We’re all circling the drain. Some of us are closer than others. I’m 90, I know I’m closer to the drain than most people.

You have to be okay with that. Because it’s going to happen. If you spend your life thinking, “I wonder if today is when it ends,” you’re going to miss out on everything wonderful.

You’re going to die. That’s going to happen. What matters is what you do with your time before you get flushed out.