(How) Did You Screw Up Your NSOP?

Congratulations! You had NSOP exactly the way Columbia wanted you to. You met a host of friends who you'll know for so long that you'll all send your children to Columbia as part of the Class of 2042. You saw the cast of X-Mas perform and immediately jumped onstage, professing your love for this school and your ability to contribute to the community. Nobody directed you towards a drop of liquor, and your only party was in the basement of Lerner, where you sipped mocktails until the sun rose. See you at the football opener, shill!

NSOP doesn't have all those neighborhood tours for no reason. Maybe you're from a smaller town than New York, or maybe you just like culture, but you didn't miss one opportunity to acquaint yourself with the Big Apple. You went to Yankee Stadium, you went to The Met (the museum and the opera), you even went to Bed Bath & Beyond - twice! Suddenly, you're an expert on the neighborhoods in Brooklyn and your OL showed you the BEST place for soul food uptown. It's just, like, twenty-five minutes from here on the 1 train, come on, let's go!

Congrats, you've peaked: no week at Columbia University will ever be as sloppy as the one you just had. What was your favorite part? Was it the Carman parties playing beer pong with Natty Ice you bought with your new friends at Duane Reade? Was it the unprotected Tinder sex that made you lock your roommate out for the night? Just know that no combination of post-finals celebrations and Bacchanal pre-games will ever match this fateful week.

The other students in your orientation group were okay. You tried to insert yourself into some conversations early on, but you clearly weren't making a strong impression despite your best efforts. "Do you mind if I sit here?" was never rejected but rarely resulted in meaningful conversation. Wasn't college supposed to be full of new, interesting people? You called your high school friends, and they're having the same problem as you. Don't worry - college will start for real soon, and you'll actually meet people who want to be around you. It gets better, and you'll be sad to leave by Christmas.

While everyone else was out trying to make friends, you know that college is about learning, bettering yourself, and preparing for the future. That all starts with kicking your Literature Humanities class's ass (and don't get cute and call it Lit Hum - this is serious business) and notching that first A on your perfect transcript. You also practiced your cello for four hours a day and only left your room for museum visits and the purchase of one tasteful Columbia shirt. Keep on your straight and narrow path, future leader.

Look at all those freshman, acting exactly as young as they are. While those prepubescent alcoholics practice drunken sex with their roommate's ex, you decide to take an easy week to yourself in your new dorm. You spend plenty of time catching up with your friends from the opposite side of the country, but you also get Netflix going for at least a few hours every night. After your summer, you're ready to get back into the Columbia groove you belong in.