What JJ's sauce are you?

Everything might be bigger in Texas, but you’re in the Big Apple now. You’re smoky and brazen, as demonstrated by your rumbly-voiced contributions in discussion section. People flock to you for the southern comfort you exude on a cold, sad, north-eastern campus of soul-crushing isolation. You own a cowboy hat.

Your sauce is spicy and ready to get the party bumping! Every Thursday night, you strut down to 1020 without any problem because you have an in with the bouncer. Like the regal buffalo, stay wild, stay horny...

I see right through your annotated Odyssey book. This sauce has a plain-jane sort of vibe, but it’s obvious that there’s a funky aftertaste to it. Just like the sauce, you might seem like the goody-two-shoes who’s finished your homework for the week (an impressive feat at Columbia). Nevertheless, you’re still seen at East Campus ragers, and your cup isn’t filled with orange juice.

This zesty sauce emanates an essence of freshness, which really catalyzes your suave appearance and personality. Somehow, you make your 8:40s while looking flawless. On the weekends, you’re at MoMA talking to the museum guard about art. Your Insta pic from the excursion gets over 500 likes. Let’s face it, we all aspire to be you.

You’re savage in the Overheard @ Barnard Facebook group, but in real life you’re a sweetheart. Like this sauce, you’re sweet and sassy (and maybe called Carolina?). People reach out to you for both hugs and enemy-shade-throwing, and you of course oblige when you’re called, putting aside your colloquium essay to kick some ass.

You’re ~that~ guy on your class’s Facebook group. When everyone got accepted, you posted enthusiastically and often. You conjured a sense of exoticism through your passionate and knowledgeable posts. Come September, though, you were crumpled in a Butler hallway whimpering like Astyanax in The Iliad over your UWriting essay. You seemed so worldly at first, just like Thai Chili.