Which Cult should I join?

Your recommended cult is the Mormons, the nickname for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Easy to find - just keep an eye out for those American missionaries....

For the low, low, low price of 10% of your income forever, you can have the following:
- a promised eternity with your family, as long as they also pay up
- the blessing of cleaning your local chapel on a rotation based system
- Now no longer racist!
- No need to worry about the gays
- insane levels of guilt
- HeartSell (tm)
- Milk before Meat (tm) so you won't even have to worry about the tricky doctrines for a long time. Lucky you
- A modern Prophet* (*prophecies not included)
- A sacred not secret ceremony in your local temple where you will make promises you can't talk about

Known as the Unification Church and founded by Sun Myung Moon in Korea in 1954, the term “Moonies” to describe members is sometimes seen as derogatory although Moon himself had used the term. Known for conducting mass wedding ceremonies uniting thousands of couples at a time, another main tenet of the cult is resurrection, which of course sounds like reincarnation to outsiders but is described by the religious leaders as somewhat different. Moon has claimed to be the Messiah, successor to Jesus Christ. Moonies have been accused of keeping their core beliefs secret, of brainwashing recruits, ant-semetism, and of meddling with US politics. Sun Myung Moon was convicted of income tax fraud in the United States in 1982. Moon died in 2012 leaving a son and daughter to run his church. With 100,000 members in the US alone, Unification can be considered a religion instead of a cult, depending on your definition of each. Cracked fact: The Washington Times newspaper is run by the Moonies!

An offshoot of Mormonism that's constantly in the news for unsavory reasons, FLDS openly embraces polygamy, which the mainstream LDS outlawed a century ago. The group has anywhere from 6,000 to 10,000 members in rural Utah and Arizona, with the group having almost total control of two small, linked border towns in the two states.

While Mormon splinter groups had been around long before, the FLDS was incorporated in 1991 by a group of men who had been excommunicated by the church. They went through a range of leaders who all declared themselves prophets, until being taken over by Rulon Jeffs in 2002. He died shortly thereafter, and his son Warren took over. It was under Warren Jeffs that the FLDS' practices of child marriage, bigamy, incest, racism, abandonment of teenage boys, and child abuse became public knowledge. Jeffs was sent to prison in 2007, but continues to be the de facto head of the church while his successors squabble for power.

Also known as Ophite Cultus Satanas, as the name implies is a cult worshiping Satan, founded in Toledo, Ohio by Herbert Sloane in 1948. Satanic worship through the ages has largely been conducted by individuals or very small groups, with the OCS marking a modern shift toward larger group worship. The larger Church of Satan founded by Anton LeVay in 1966 published a Satanic Bible and has struggled for acceptance as a recognized religion. As with most cults, the exact numbers are just a guess, but there may be around 100,000 practicing Satanists in the world today.